My Life at Sri Ramanasramam – Early Years

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Early Years

I was hardly eleven years when I was married. Like ladies mentioned in the puranas, I thought I could attain salvation by devotedly serving my husband but, only a year later, he passed away suddenly after an attack of smallpox, conferring on me a lifelong widowhood. I was too young at the time to realise the full implications of the calamity. Even so, I was heartbroken and, brooding over my misfortune, confined myself all alone to one of the rooms in our big house. I had no taste for food and rarely went out of the house. So I became very pale and suffered from stomach disorders. I was lying on the floor all the time on a torn mat, my hand for a pillow, and resembled a lizard clinging to the wall. Whenever anyone came to see me, I wept bitterly. Several months passed thus.

I did not like to remain any more in the family atmosphere I had been long accustomed to. The desire to know from some great soul the path of liberation grew intensively in me. Although I had heard of several eminent men in the spiritual field, no one appeared to have the attributes of the siddhapurusha

I had seen in my dream and so I could not accept any one of them as my Guru. Whenever possible, I used to go to Kanaka Durga temple in Vij ayawada and pray to Her as the presiding deity of the place to bestow on me the favour of a sadguru. I dedicated to Her myManasa Satakam. In that book there are quite a number of verses about the search for a sadguru.

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