Padma and her husband Venkataraman, trustees of T.M.P. Mahadevan (No. 25) Trust, Chennai, are devotees of Sri Ramana.
With my husband I went to see Bhagavan in 1947. After prostrating we stood near him. I said, “Bhagavan I want atmasakshatkaram” [Self realisation]. Bhagavan looked at me and smilingly asked, ” Appadiah?“ (Is it so?). The way Bhagavan asked me took my breath away. It was so charming. Then my husband said, “She wants to stay here permanently.” Bhagavan did not say anything but looked at me steadily pouring forth his grace.
I used to sit in the hall spellbound for many hours; such was his power. While engaged in meditation, old memories would well up in my mind and disturb the flow of meditation. I wanted to find a way out to quench all the vasanas. One day I got an opportunity to put my problem before Bhagavan. His reply was, “You be the subject instead of the object, then the vasanas would not trouble you any more.” This suggestion and his grace worked for me.
Once at 4 a.m. I went for giri pradakshina alone. When I had earlier sought Bhagavan’s permission before proceeding on my circuit, he had told me to be careful. I did not feel any fear till I reached Adiannamalai. Then I remembered what Bhagavan had said, and felt sudden fear. At that time I saw somebody walking in front of me. It looked like Ammani Ammal, one of the devotees known to me. I called out her name loudly, but probably she could not hear me and kept on walking. When we reached Esanya Lingam, it was broad daylight, and to my amazement, I could not see the lady. Even now, when I think of Bhagavan’s grace in sending someone when I needed, and withdrawing the company when I no more needed it, I simply shed tears.